Toothpaste and Orange Juice
by bsloths
Summary: Derek's POV of the events retold during "How I Met Your Stepbro." (i.e., Derek pre-McV wedding.) Oneshot. Daseyish.


Hi Daseyers,

I've wanted to write this forever, and with the news of _Life with Derek_'s possible return to television, I thought this fic would be a good way to celebrate! Here's hoping _Life with Derek, Again_ is as amazing as we all know it could be.

I hope you enjoy my take on the events described in Season 4's "How I Met Your Stepbro." (And I throw in a nod to "Puppy Dog Tails," aka the episode where Derek admits to having sex, er, I mean, learning about girls "the fun way on the old couch.")

The asterisks indicate scene breaks from the actual episode. I took a few liberties with Derek's thoughts, but I tried to adhere to canon as much as possible.

Enjoy! Review! Keep Dasey alive!

-Brandi

Disclaimer: I am not making any money from this (though if I had Derek and Casey engaging in BDSM and changed their names, I'd be rolling in it), and no copyright infringement is intended. I love these characters as much as the creators do and nothing untoward or uncanon happens in this fic. That's right, find your smutty fanfiction masquerading as a mommy porn bestseller somewhere else, folks. (I'm not bitter, I swear.)

**Toothpaste and Orange Juice**

"Are you _sure_ this tie goes with this shirt?" Dad asked for the bajillionth time.

Edwin put a finger to his chin and studied our dad. "Yes," he finally nodded.

"You look very, very handsome," Marti piped up.

I rolled my eyes.

This is my life now—reassuring my dad before he goes out on (shudder) _dates_.

It didn't use to be this way. I had my dad, my mom, Edwin, and baby Marti all under one roof. I had a little trouble in school and hair that was a bit too long, but overall I was happy.

My mom wasn't. She told me over and over that it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to make her stay.

I believe her. I think.

She and my dad fought like crazy all the time. I don't remember a time when they weren't fighting. My friends at school claimed that their parents fought too, but I knew I had it the worst. Sam's parents didn't yell at each other when I was over. _My_ parents would continue whatever stupid argument they were having that day right in front of Sam.

I'm not sure whose fault the divorce was, but I do know my mom decided she didn't want us to live with her. Not gonna lie—that really hurt. My dad is great, don't get me wrong, but he didn't know how to do the little stuff my mom was so good at, like putting an extra cookie in my lunch or rubbing my back when I had a nightmare.

And he had no idea what to do with Marti, who was just a toddler at the time. But my mom got it into her head that she wanted to be a marine biologist, so she went off to university and left us to fend for ourselves.

We adjusted. Things changed, but I liked our life. Edwin kept an eye on the household finances, I got Marti ready for school and for bed every day, and my dad learned how to do laundry and how to find the best takeout places. Somewhere in there I perfected my famous mac and cheese recipe.

About a year ago, my dad started going on dates. He went out with friends of people from work, with a woman from Marti's daycare, with my hockey coach's sister. But nothing ever lasted beyond a few dates. I never even met any of the women he took out. He would tell me about them afterward, and I would always know he was about to dump them when he said, "She just won't fit in with us."

Then along came Nora.

I gotta say, Nora is _awesome_. She's pretty and nice and she can make Marti laugh. We've gone out to dinner with her and my dad a few times, and I really, really like her.

I think she might actually be right for my dad. She might be the person to change our family yet again. But here's the problem: She's got her own kids.

She has two daughters—Lizzie, who's Edwin's age, and Casey, who's my age.

I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. If Nora and my dad get married, that means Casey and Lizzie will move in with us. (I don't think we would live with Nora. She has a small condo in Toronto.) Edwin and I like things a certain way. If girls move in, that means cleaning up after ourselves, minding our manners, and sharing the bathroom. And the smell … girls smell too good. They're gonna get their perfume and candles and pope oree all over the house.

Marti is still little. She won't really get girly for a few more years. Yeah, I have to put up with princess costumes and Barbie dolls, but she can win a burping contest, easy. Bring in two older girls, with makeup and scrunchies and all that gunk, and I might lose Marti forever to the dark side.

I don't know what to think. I just don't know.

To get back to my dad, he finally decides to wear the tie and ushers us toward the door. Edwin and Marti are staying with Mrs. Higgenbotham while he's out with Nora, because I have a party to go to.

A party an _older _girl invited me to. I know, hot, right? Alice is in grade eleven and I'm still a niner. She babysat Marti last week when my dad got stuck at work, and when I walked in from hockey practice my eyes bugged right out of my head. She's gorgeous, and she started flirting with me right away. Next thing I knew I was invited to this party.

Dad drops me off (down the block; I'm not a loser) and I go inside. I've been to my share of parties, but this one is pretty wild. There's lots of alcohol and even some people passing around a joint, and that's just not my scene. Luckily, Alice appears and drags me into the kitchen. She fixes me a drink and then we start dancing.

Alice is seriously the prettiest girl I've ever seen. She's got bright green eyes and long blonde hair, and a slightly crooked smile. It makes her look like she has a secret. She leans over to whisper in my ear and I decide I want to know _all _of her secrets.

This party's not really Alice's scene, either, so she drives me home and I invite her in. After awhile, she leaves, I go upstairs, and my dad brings the rugrats home. I pretend to be asleep when they walk in, but really I haven't slept at all.

I'm sorry to fast-forward the evening, but I'm actually a pretty private guy. All you hafta know is that we made out on the couch. And then suddenly Alice had my shirt off and her shirt off and she was putting my hands in places.

Let's just say I found out the difference between boys and girls tonight.

~LWDLWDLWD~

Alice doesn't really want anyone to know about us. It sucks for me at school, because here's this hot girl who wants to be with me and I can't brag about it.

But we're not actually together, anyway. Alice wants to keep things chill, which is fine with me.

That date my dad went on the other night? It must have been pretty good, because after school today he sits us down and tells us he's really serious about Nora.

"I'm really serious about Nora. What do you guys think about me maybe asking her, maybe, um—"

"Spit it out," I mumble, already guessing what he's about to say and for some reason, dreading it.

"I'd like to marry her," Dad finally says.

Marti squeals and jumps up and down and hugs him. Then she runs upstairs to tell Sir Monks-a-Lot, the stuffed monkey Nora gave her. She loves that thing.

Edwin looks to me for a reaction. I shrug.

"Derek?" Dad asks, a hint of warning in his voice. He isn't in the mood for a smart aleck comment. Too bad.

"Finally got tired of doing the laundry, eh, Dad? And she'll probably vacuum, too."

Edwin folds his arms but he doesn't dare look at me. He knows better than that.

Dad is quiet, watching me. I finally decide to hell with it, I may as well be happy about this. Nora _will_ be a good stepmom.

"Sounds great, Dad," I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

Dad sighs. "Thanks, Derek. That means a lot." He tries to hug me but I wiggle away. So he hugs Edwin instead, who's beaming.

"This is so great. Lizzie and I talk on the phone. She's really cool. And Casey is …" he trails off as he looks at me. "Cool, too," he finishes weakly.

I glare at him. "What are you not telling me?"

Dad and Edwin exchange knowing looks. I growl at them under my breath.

"Casey may be your age, but you two are very different," Dad says tactfully. "I think maybe we'll start with a nice quiet dinner with Lizzie and Nora, and then bring Casey around later."

"Whatever," I reply. To be honest, I'm really curious about what Casey is like. But then Alice calls, and I forget all about the impending engagement.

~LWDLWDLWD~

Or, it _should_ have been an engagement. A few weeks later, Dad proposed, and Nora said, "Maybe."

How do you say "maybe" to my dad? He can't take that kind of rejection! Stick the knife in and twist it, why don't you? Nora is horrible.

Yeah, okay, she's not. And I kind of get it. It's a big change, having to move and have her kids switch schools and everything.

As promised, Edwin and Marti have met Casey and Lizzie at various dinners these past few weeks. Marti is suddenly talking about Nora five times a day.

"Do you think Nora will be a better hair braider than you, Smerek?"

"What's it like to live with a mom? Will she cook?"

"Do you think my new sisters will like the color purple too?"

It kills me to hear her. What if Nora says no? And what if she says yes? Marti's life is going to be turned upside down either way. She has no idea what she's in for. And neither do I.

~LWDLWDLWD~

I've been getting more and more curious about Casey. It's been two weeks since Nora's "maybe" and still no one will let me meet her. I threaten Edwin with constant wedgies (and even have to follow through on some of them) until he shows me a picture.

It's a school photo from this year, and I know she goes to an all-girls school so the hideous uniform must come with the territory.

But the rest of her …

Braces. Hair in two braids. Bangs probably hiding her unibrow.

Ugh. She's a _keener_! No wonder no one wants me to meet her. She looks like the kind of girl who's friends with all the teachers and wouldn't know how to break a rule if her life depended on it.

I want nothing to do with this girl. Could you imagine me having to introduce her around school as my new sister? Alice won't so much as look at me ever again. She's finally started having lunch with me sometimes and letting me walk her to classes. I can't jeopardize my rep.

Better that Nora says no. I can't imagine having to live with Casey the Keener from Planet Dorkazoid.

~LWDLWDLWD~

I see how miserable my dad is. Nora still hasn't given him an answer. Part of me wants to tell my dad to man up and give her a deadline, or just dump her, but I know he won't do that. He loves her too much, and Marti and Edwin are way too attached. Maybe they can break up and stay friends?

I don't know.

Yesterday Alice refused to talk to me and Sam said he saw her riding around in James Burton's older brother's car.

My dad gets choked up any time Toronto, diamonds, windows, or anything else that reminds him of Nora is brought up even _near_ him.

_Women._

~LWDLWDLWD~

This morning, I'm digging into my cereal when Dad says that Casey is coming to visit my school _today _and I need to show her around.

"Please Derek, don't blow this for me," he whines.

I get why he didn't tell me sooner. I would have found a way to get out of it. But _day of_? That's cruel.

"Dad, what is the big deal about meeting this Casey character?" I ask, stalling while I try to think. "Nora said 'maybe' to your proposal. Can't you take a hint?" There, I said it. Needed to be said. How can I get out of this?

"Casey's feelings are an important factor in Nora's decision. I mean, would it _kill _you just to give her a tour of the school?"

So basically Casey is holding her mom hostage over this whole engagement thing. I have to respect that kind of power. But that doesn't mean I want to meet her or bring her to the hallowed halls of my cool zone.

"_Yeah_." It will kill me. "But for twenty bucks it'll kill me a lot less."

Dad grumbles as he pulls out his wallet. He's about to hand me the cash when, "Um—one condition. When you give Casey the tour, can you be a little nicer than usual?"

Hallelujah! Thank you, Dad. Now I know what to do. I try to keep the smirk from my face as I reply, "For twenty bucks, I won't be me at all."

~LWDLWDLWD~

I can't bring Sam into this. He knows my dad is dating again but I haven't told him about Nora or how serious it's become with her. He's too good a guy; he always tries to play peacemaker, and I know he'll take to Nora, and probably her kids, way too easily. Sam's just too trusting, and I need him as _my_ ally. See, if I show Sam that picture of Casey, he'll laugh at me for calling her a keener and say I need to give her a chance.

I don't need that. I need a dude who's not so smart.

Enter Ralph.

He's a kid I've been friendly with for years, but we don't hang out much. He's never met my family and though he's a talented percussionist, he's the kind of guy who won't get the joke until everyone else is done laughing at it.

Ralph is ready and willing to be my stooge. I make him promise not to tell anyone about this, and luckily he doesn't have any classes with Sam. Or Alice, for that matter. No one has to know Casey's here.

I give him a few notes, which he writes on his hand. Then he promptly wipes his brow with that hand and smudges everything he just wrote. I shake my head, hoping he paid attention while I was talking.

If I was excited about Operation Disengagement before, I'm positively giddy as Ralph walks away.

That's what I'm calling it: Operation Disengagement. If my dad won't man up, I'll do it for him. Once and for all, I'm getting rid of his relationship and any tie I might have to Keener Casey. I hope I can do it in a way that Nora and Dad stay friends, but it's a risk I have to take. Let it never be said the mighty Derocrates was lazy. D-Vent gets things _done_.

~LWDLWDLWD~

I follow them around as Ralph chats Casey up, being the charming doofus that he is. Casey is eating it up. This girl would seriously bring down my rep just breathing the same _air _as her.

They turn a corner and I _finally_ get a good look at her.

Her voice is annoying, she's definitely a keener and probably a grade grubber, and ew, that kilt—but she has nice legs, a killer smile even with the retainer (thank God the braces are off), and piercing blue eyes. Without the lame bangs and grandma sweater, she might even be kinda cute.

I'm hiding behind a book as Ralph starts _flirting_. It takes all of my willpower not to smack him in the head when he says, "Yeah, Derek's funny. Ralph's funnier."

I'm gonna kill him.

~LWDLWDLWD~

At lunch, I sit alone at the table behind theirs. Ralph keeps screwing things up. He can't even remember Edwin and Marti's names.

Casey's still hanging on his every word. "You really are a jokester," she coos in what she probably thinks is her sexy voice, when it's really just grating and a little pathetic.

Ralph asks her if she has a boyfriend and she doesn't seem to realize that he's full-on hitting on her now.

"Well, if you ever move to London," he continues, "maybe you and I could, um—"

I screech my chair backward so I'm right next to Ralph. He's a dead man.

He looks at me.

"Derek, could I talk to you? _Alone_?" I say through gritted teeth.

"Actually, we were enjoying a really lovely lunch together, right Casey?"

I glare at him hoping my message of murder gets through, but he's looking at Casey.

I get it. It's not cool to c-block a bro, but Ralph is the biggest idiot I have ever seen. You do not hit on your (pretend) father's girlfriend's daughter. You. Do. Not. (I mean, Ralph could do worse, and he has. But I can't have it getting out that Derek hit on his stepsister. Incest is a pretty effective way to ruin a guy's rep.)

Anyway. Back to lunch.

"Right, Derek," Casey says about their 'lovely lunch,' all smiley. She looks at me. "I'm sorry, we haven't met."

The second we make eye contact, I have the urge to vomit. I hate her. Everything about her rubs me the wrong way—she's obnoxiously peppy and pompous and proper. "And I'm okay with that," I choke out, to her obvious annoyance.

We exchange some more words I can't really remember because I'm too busy seething with revulsion.

When she storms off, her legs go on for miles.

I _hate_ her.

"Dude, I think she _likes_ me," Ralph shares when she's out of earshot.

"Yeah, you think she likes _Derek_. The guy who could possibly be her stepbrother." I'm calmer now that she's gone, and I pick up a fork to dig into Ralph's lunch while I wait for him to catch up. "Wait for it … it'll come to you."

Ralph straightens in his chair. "Ew!"

"There you go buddy," I sigh, stuffing my face.

So, I probably shouldn't have brought Ralph into this. I'm going to have to come clean to Casey sooner than I'd wanted to. I'll need her help with Operation Disengagement, and I'd better tell her who I am before Ralph apologizes for hitting on her and makes things awkward, or worse, forgets incest is wrong and proposes marriage.

~LWDLWDLWD~

I don't see Casey for the rest of the day. Ralph says she went home with Nora right after lunch.

Dad pays me another twenty to go to dinner with him and Nora and Casey tonight.

I decide I better get there early so I can explain who I am without Dad and Nora finding out about my little switcheroo.

I stride into the restaurant and spot Casey already at a table. The sweater/kilt combo is gone, replaced by a shirt that shows off her admittedly nice rack.

_Focus. _

I clear my throat as I approach her, and she groans.

"Ugh, what do you want?" she asks, pulling on her braids.

I decide I can afford to have a little more fun. "Well, a one-day school week and my own modeling agency." I pull a Blue Steel and she gives me this awesomely withering look. I hate her, but she sure can keep up with me.

"Go away, Ralph. I'm expecting people."

"Yeah, people are running late. Probably 'cause George got a ticket." It's a likely excuse.

"You know George?" she asks.

"Uh, yeah." Revelation time. If I'm gonna get Casey on board with Operation Disengagement, it's gotta happen now. I sit down across from her. "He's my dad."

"Your dad?" Casey doesn't look scandalized like I'd expected. Instead she doesn't believe me. "How is that possible unless you're Der …" It dawns on her.

I smile.

"Der-ek!"

She rips my name apart like a bomb bursting on my eardrums. It is quite possibly the worst sound I have ever heard. I never thought I could hate hearing my own name. That's Casey for you.

"I do funny stuff like that all the time," I say with amusement. Casey is hanging on my every word. I've got her right where I want her. "But from what I've heard you have zero sense of humor."

Casey's face gets all pinched and she shoos away the waitress, who's just brought us water. "Well, the idea of moving in with your family is a joke," she says harshly. "I _love_ living with my mom and sister, I _love_ Toronto, and I _love_ my school."

I laugh. "You love school. Figures." Yup, she's a keener all right. I have it straight from the horse's mouth.

She rolls her eyes and looks away.

"Trust me, I don't like the concept of this merger any more than you do."

"Well, your opinion doesn't matter. My mom wants _me_ to be on board with her decision and you're turning my just 'maybe' into a most definite 'no.'"

So _she's_ the culprit! Nora didn't do anything wrong. It's been _Casey_ making my dad so miserable!

"Well, we're on the same side." I hate to do it to my dad, but he's crazy if he thinks our two families can merge. Look what a psycho he'd get for a stepdaughter!

"What are you talking about?" she asks with disdain.

"I'm talking about …" I lean in like we're sharing a secret. She reluctantly leans in, too. "Operation Disengagement."

Her eyes get comically wide as she considers this. "You know," she ponders with a half-smile, "maybe we can get along after all." Her grin is positively diabolical.

That's it. I've officially met my match. Casey McDonald (MacDonald? I forget) can go toe-to-toe with me on _anything_. Working with her is going to be a fun challenge. Keep your enemies closer, right?

We clink our water glasses together and drink to our mutual goal.

~LWDLWDLWD~

"Okay. This is how Operation Disengagement's gonna play out—"

Casey's indignation is plain as day on her face. "You can't tell me what to do."

"I could. If ya _stop_ _talking_." I lean back in my seat and regard her. She's a tough cookie. She can scheme, but it has to be on her terms, I guess.

"I will do what I think is best, thank you very much." The waitress puts a bread basket on our table. "Thank you very much," she says in a much sweeter tone than what she's just used on me.

"Just tell your mom no." I put emphasis on the "no," because really, she's being ridiculous. If she would just listen to me …

"My mom won't take 'no' for an answer," she fires back.

Oh. So she really isn't in control after all. "That's because you have no power in your family. In my house, I'm the Alpha Dog. And when I bark, my dad listens." True most of the time. He's too emotionally invested in Nora, though, which is why I need Casey's help.

"Ohhh," Casey drawls fake-sweetly, "so you think I should just _bark_ to get my way?" She frowns. "Never."

"Then you're never gonna get your way, so start barkin', or start packin'."

She begins to stand up. "Okay, you know what, I'm outta here."

It's not like I'm asking for that much! Cheese and rice! "Caseyyy. Wait."

To my surprise, she settles back into her chair. "What?" she asks.

I put my hand over hers on the table. It's the first time I've ever touched her, and her skin is super soft. I try to ignore the tingling I feel all the way down to the tip of my toes. It's like I'm one big electrical conductor and her hand is the lightning. Weird.

"We can't stand each other, right?" I appeal to her common sense.

She pulls her hand away from mine with an "ugh!" and I already miss the feel of it. But then she gets that disgusted, I'm-better-than-you look on her face and I remember why I hate her.

"Right," she answers me.

"And living under the same roof would be nightmare, right?" (This _girl_ is a nightmare.)

She's starting to come around. "Right …"

"So instead of telling them that we won't get along, we _show_ them." I smile and hope she jumps on board. This is the only plan I've got.

She looks down her nose at me and pauses to think about my idea. I try not to look too eager.

"Ya know … that idea may just be dumb enough to work." She smiles back at me and I decide not to mind that she just insulted me.

"Yeah, well, most of my ideas are," I say with pride.

~LWDLWDLWD~

Casey stands up to look out the window for our parents. "Where _are_ they?" she whines as she sits back down.

It _is_ taking them a really long time to get here. But I don't join in her complaints because A) I'm currently stuffing my face with bread and B) her boobs jiggle as she sits and I lose my train of thought.

I guess I'm staring a bit too long because she bursts out with, "Can you chew with your mouth _closed_?"

"I dunno. Never tried." I reach for another piece of bread but she snatches the basket away. I continue to chew obnoxiously.

"So, um," she begins, and I already don't like her tone. She's going to try to make _small talk_. Bleccch. "Whadda you do in your spare time?" She talks with her hands a lot. How annoying.

I decide to be direct. It'll shut her up faster. "Eat, play hockey, watch TV, chase girls."

"That's it?" she asks with that judge-y tone of hers.

"No, sometimes I eat while I watch hockey on TV with a girl." Pretty clever retort, if I do say so myself.

The waitress comes over again to deliver our sodas and I decide to really rankle Casey, who's surely a "feminist."

"How ya doin'?" I flirt, and the waitress giggles and blushes.

Casey's expression doesn't change, so I raise my eyebrows at her and reach for more bread. She shoves my hand away.

"Ugh, please. No more chewing."

I carefully finish the piece of bread still in my mouth. I can't figure her out. She definitely keeps up with me, and some things I do annoy her to no end while other things have no effect. It's like she can't decide whether or not she hates me.

This thought makes me realize something. She had absolutely no problem flirting up a storm with Ralph earlier, thinking he was her future stepbrother. Is she … kinky? Is she into that kind of thing, sneaking around, illegal hookups? I eye her. Nah, there's no way. But it's like she would have been all too happy to stick her tongue down _Ralph's_ throat, but as soon as she found out her potential stepbrother is actually _me_, she shut it off. What did I do wrong? Not that I would want to do anything with her, either, but … it bugs me. Where does she get off being selectively immoral?

"So, tell me about your brother and sister. What do they think about George proposing to my mom?"

Greaaat, more small talk. No way I can tell her the truth.

"Well, Marti's too young to have an opinion and, uh, Edwin does whatever I say, so he's against it."

Casey looks like that was just the answer she expected. "Well, Lizzie said there's no _way_ she's moving."

Something tells me she's lying, too. Lizzie is a pretty easygoing chick. According to Edwin they've already made all these hypothetical plans, something about blanket forts and sprinklers and other kid stuff I tuned out. If she's half as excited as Ed to have a same-age playmate, she's not gonna put up a fight about the move. It's all up to Casey, which worries me. Can she really handle Operation Disengagement?

I'm looking at her for too long again, because she clears her throat and carefully sips her soda. I take the hint.

"This sucks, huh?" I say, deciding to be nice.

She gives me a small smile of agreement.

~LWDLWDLWD~

We're _still_ waiting for Nora and Dad.

Somehow I get sucked into Casey's small talk. We're trading stories about our families, and part of me starts to wonder if maybe I'm winning her over. But no. I don't _want _to win her over. I'm not jealous of Ralph or anything. Casey makes me want to tear my hair out. Just because a girl is pretty doesn't mean I should crush on her. Look at my next-door neighbor Emily Davis. She's adorable and has a decent butt, but there's nothing about her that makes me want to find out more. A pretty girl can be just that—a pretty girl.

And now I'm justifying to myself that it's okay to think Casey is hot because it doesn't mean I have to want her. Good God, what is wrong with me?

It's Casey's fault. She's looking at me like she might not actually mind being in my company. Her nose is so cute, the way it flares when she gets excited.

I've never had this problem before. I've never despised someone I found attractive.

Usually I ask a girl out, we have some fun, and it's on to someone else. Now that I'm on the receiving end of that with Alice it kinda feels unfair, but girls know what they're signing up for when they go out with me. I should have figured out that Alice was a female version of me.

The problem with Casey is that I can't escape her. We could never so much as make out if we do become stepsiblings. Could you imagine living with her after that?

Not that Casey would ever go near me. She may be having a good time right now, but I have a feeling it'll be back to Ice Queen territory the next time I say something she doesn't agree with.

Aaaand … I'm right. I finish my hilarious story about one of my greatest pranks on Edwin, and all she says is, "Guess you had to be there." She nods her head with a strained smile.

"Aw, please. A goody-goody like you wouldn't know a funny prank if a pie hit you in the face."

She takes offense at that. "Hey, I love a good prank." Her face lights up. "Ooh, once, Lizzie was having trouble with remainders, so I gave her a remainder reminder note to take to math class but her teacher found it and thought that she was trying to cheat." She's practically giddy now, all proud of herself.

I sigh. "You have no idea what a prank is."

"Oh, yeah? Well, you have no idea what a remainder is!" she retorts.

I can't help it. I start laughing. She's … I mean, come _on_. She thinks it's an _insult_ that I'm bad at math? She's got so much to learn. But I really don't want to be the one to teach her. If we move in together, she'd probably ruin all of my pranks just by _existing_.

"What's so funny?" she asks warily.

"Just how ridiculous the idea that we could possibly live in the same house is."

I'm still laughing, snickering, really, at the ludicrousness of this entire thing, and she joins in. "Yeah, I know," she gets out as she giggles.

George and Nora choose that exact moment to appear at our table. "Looks like our plan worked!" Nora says proudly.

Casey looks up at our parents with a "Huh?" and I stop laughing too. How can I get Operation Disengagement back on track?

"Plan?" Casey asks as our parents sit down at our table.

"Okay," Dad says, "We were late for dinner on purpose, so you'd have more time to get to know each other, and get used to the idea of living together."

What? No. Oh, no. Their arms are linked. They're wearing twin smiles. So much for Dad's broken heart, I guess.

"But it looks like we worried for nothing," Nora says.

"No!" I chime in. "No, no, you were worried for somethin' because we can't _stand_ each other, all right?" I wave my finger back and forth between myself and Casey to make my point. "We are like cats and dogs, day and night, toothpaste and orange juice." My gaze flickers to Casey as I talk and she looks … lost. "I'm running out of opposites—help me out?" I say, to bring her into the conversation.

She glances at Dad and Nora, stalling for time. "Uhh, Derek, I need to talk to you." She motions to the front of the restaurant and starts to get up. What is she doing?

I have no choice but to follow her away from the table.

"We need a new plan. Operation Disengagement is just too mean."

So she sees it too—Dad and Nora acting all lovey-dovey. I know Dad never gave up on her after the failed engagement but I didn't expect him to seem so happy around her still, and I guess Casey feels the same way.

"Fine," I reply, annoyed at our situation and taking it out on her. "Then get ready to move to London. With me. Meeee." I wobble my head crazily, trying to provoke her, and yet again, she surprises me by not reacting.

"Actually, that can be our new plan! You guys can move to Toronto." She actually looks happy about this idea. And I refuse to believe it's the first time she's thought of it. She's not that stupid. She knows the same thing I do: Seven people will not fit in her condo. But for some reason, she's pushing it anyway.

"Uhh, my dad works in London."

"_So_? Why is _your _dad's job more important than _my_ mom's?"

There's that feminism thing. Look, I'm all for women doing whatever they want. But you can't really compare these two jobs. I chuckle. "My dad's a _lawyer_, and your mom's a _window-washer_." I make wiping gestures and noises and Casey looks horrified.

"She is not a window washer," she exclaims with a glare. "She's a … um—" She turns back toward our table, where our parents are watching us. "Whatta you do again?" she asks Nora.

So much for Casey the High and Mighty. She can't even stick up for her own mother properly!

"Window treatments!" Nora calls with a nervous chuckle.

"Window treatments!" Casey acts like I didn't just hear Nora say that. "And _don't_ insult my mother!"

"I wasn't insulting your mother. I was insulting _you_." Because I _like _your mother. _You_ are a crazy person.

"Derek, you are just so completely—"

"Impossible? I know, I'm kinda proud of it. Right, Dad?" There we go. Operation Disengagement is back on track. We can't even have a (somewhat) private conversation without fighting.

"Derek …" Dad reprimands.

Casey turns away from me and heads back toward our table. "All right, you know what, that does it."

Now I'm a little worried. Because I have no idea what she's about to say. What if I actually did just ruin my dad's life? What if she's going over there to say there is no way she could let her mother marry into our family? Why does my dad have to be so _happy_ with Nora?

I stay back as Casey goes up to our parents. "Mom, our plan was to show you that we couldn't get along so you wouldn't get married. But we can't even get along long enough to go through with that plan. So I'm really sorry but this just isn't gonna work."

She's getting all worked up, so I head over to her. I'm not sure what I want anymore. On the one hand, Nora and my dad love each other and really seem happy and Nora's the best stepmother I could ask for if I have to have one. And on the other hand, Casey makes me miserable and I don't want her as my sister and Operation Disengagement is about to work after all.

I try not to smile. "Yeah, what she said." After all, what Derek wants, Derek gets!

"Come on, guys," Dad says as he stands to face us. "Don't be hasty." He looks kinda upset.

Nora stands up, too. "You know what, George, maybe Casey's right."

I wasn't there when he proposed. But I can imagine the crushed look on my dad's face right now is pretty similar to the one he had on that night. I love my dad. But I don't want to put his happiness before mine. That's just not fair to me.

"But Nora," my dad replies, "you just have to learn to ignore Casey. Like I ignore Derek."

I raise my eyebrows in reluctant agreement.

"No, I-I can't ignore Casey. It's wrong." She looks at Casey, who gives a smug nod.

"Besides, she won't let me," Nora stage-whispers to my dad, and I hold back a smirk.

"What are you saying?" Dad asks.

"I'm saying that, um, maybe this is just too much, too soon." Nora's got a raspy voice like she's about to cry.

Casey makes eye contact with me and looks worried, so I give her a goofy smile to reassure her. It doesn't work.

"You know, maybe in a year or two .. but, um, right now … my answer to your proposal has to be no." Nora slides the engagement ring off of her finger as her eyes fill with tears and she chokes on her words. She slaps the ring onto the table with a final-sounding clank.

Sticking up for your rights can be hard sometimes, but I have to let her do it. Now, finally, my dad can move on. Marry someone without a Casey.

Everyone looks miserable so I try to break the tension. I've never been good around crying females, and it looks like Casey's getting close to waterworks. "Guess that's a no to dessert?"

All I get in return for my joke are blank stares and rolled eyes.

Yeesh.

~LWDLWDLWD~

For some unfathomable reason, they let me order dessert and I eat it while my other companions stare glumly at the floor. "You should really try this," I suggest to Casey as I bring my forkful of chocolate cake toward her mouth. So sue me, I want to see her eat food off my fork. I deserve that, right, since I'm never going to see her again after tonight?

She shakes her head, looking disgusted and sad, until I pull the fork back and put the cake in my own mouth. It was worth a shot.

"It's gonna be so hard to be without you," Nora is saying to my dad through her tears. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

What is she doing?! I want to tell her to shut up. It's over, Nora. You dumped him. Let me eat my cake.

Instead of telling her to shove it, my dad says, "You know what, you're the best thing that's ever happened to _me_."

These two are killing me. I know I said before that I hope they stay friends, but this is ridiculous. You don't say that lovey-dovey crap to your friends. "And this cake's the best thing that ever happened to me," I say, just to be rude.

There are glares in my direction and I feign ignorance.

"Anyway, come on, I'll give you two a ride back to the hotel," my dad says.

Good riddance. I can eat my cake in peace and forget this day ever happened.

"Wait," Casey cuts in. "Derek, can I talk to you? Again?"

_Again_? It's over! This girl cannot take a hint!

I take my cake with me across the restaurant so I don't have to concentrate on her. The sooner I forget what she looks like, the better.

"Derek, look at them. They're in love; who are we to stand in the way of their happiness?" she whines.

I just want this to be over. "I don't know who _you_ are, but I'm Derek."

"Well Derek, I want my mom to be happy."

I don't tell her that I've had those same thoughts.

"So if you won't help, then I'll just have to go this alone." She's up on her high horse again.

I don't reply. I'm done trying to figure her out. I'm done thinking she's cute and wanting to possibly get to know her better. I'm done with Nora screwing with my dad's emotions. I'm done trying to decide what's best for our family and whether that aligns with what's best for me. I'm just _done_.

I'm still chewing my latest bite of cake when Casey marches back over to our table.

"George Venturi!" she calls.

"Uh, here?" My dad raises his hand as Casey reaches him.

"You're a sweet and kind man. And you have good hair. And I know you're nice to my mom, and that it's not your fault that you have an extremely rude son and that living with him will make me miserable."

I stare at her while she's making her little speech, utterly at a loss for words. I don't even have the energy for a comeback to her insult. She's trying, but I pray my dad has enough sense to get up and walk out the door.

But no. Dad's butt is firmly in his seat as Nora exclaims, "Casey, what are you _saying_?"

I gave my dad too much credit. He was never gonna walk away from her. He _does_ deserve to be happy. And I'm at the point now that I know it's out of my hands. I did the best I could to break them up, and since that doesn't seem like it's happening, I'm going to have to suck it up and deal with this. Like I said, I do really like Nora. And Lizzie seems cool. I can handle living with Casey.

I mean, she's _Casey_. I could volley with her tonight, no problem. Being around her all the time will help me sharpen my insulting and pranking skills. _And_ I get free eye candy out of the deal.

At least being around her will never get boring: She surprises me yet _again_ when she gets down on one knee and says, "George, will you marry my mom?"

Dad is beaming as he replies, "I don't know what to say."

Is this it? Did my dad grow a pair? Could I really have gotten out of this at the last possible second?

"But maybe Derek does," he finishes, and I can't help the strangled sound that comes from my throat.

He's leaving it up to me?! One second ago, I was getting on board. But now the fate of my entire future and the future of my family is riding on whatever I say in this next second? My dad is a lunatic!

I can say no. No. No. No! No! "Ah, for the love of Peter!" I put my cake plate down and sit back in my seat.

"Nora." I can't make eye contact with her as I say this. I'm either about to do the smartest thing I've ever done or make the biggest mistake of my life. "As, um, crazy as it is that someone as great as you would fall for someone like my dad," I look at her now, and she's completely overcome. She can barely sit still. And I know I'm making the right choice. "It's, uh, it's crazier for me to stand in your way." She's looking at me with big pleading eyes. "So. Yeah. My dad'll marry you."

"He will?" she giggles.

"Will I ever!" my dad's smile is bigger than I've ever seen it.

"Can I have the ring back?" Nora asks with an equally giant smile.

My dad puts the ring on her finger and I can't help but smile, too. This is all going to work out.

And then they start smooching, and my chocolate buzz is officially killed.

~LWDLWDLWD~

We drive the girls back to their hotel, and Casey and I make our parents promise never to mention Operation Disengagement. I can't have it getting out that a plan of mine failed, and Casey can't have it getting out that she participated in a plan like that.

When we get to the hotel Casey asks me to help her find the vending machine. I let her drag me by the shirt collar toward the hallway.

"I wanted them to have a few moments alone," she explains as soon as we're out of earshot.

"Ew!" I say, shuddering as I think back to them kissing at the restaurant. "Five minutes, tops. They won't do anything grosser than kiss in five minutes."

Now it's Casey's turn to say "Ew!" She composes herself quickly. "I want to call a truce, right here, right now. We fought it as long as we could, but this marriage is happening. Which means we'll be sharing a roof by the fall."

Nora and Dad said in the car that they want to get married in late August, right before the start of the new school year.

I decide it can't hurt to appease her now. I'll be spending all summer making a list of ways to prank her, and I intend to give her a hard time every chance I get. So we can be nice now.

"Fine. But I gotta know something. Today at school, it seemed like you really liked Ralph."

Casey shrugs. "He was nice. So what?"

"So you do realize you were flirting with him, right?"

Casey goes to smack my arm but thinks better of it at the last second. "I was not!" She's blushing, which means she was.

"Flirting with your stepbrother? That's gross, Casey." I intentionally lean a little closer to her as I say it, and she turns redder.

"You disgusting pig!" She ducks away from me and we're facing off across the hall. "I was surrounded by strangers and Ralph was being sweet. I-I guess I lost my head for a moment." She takes a deep breath. "I would never …"

She doesn't finish the sentence and she doesn't have to. I have my answer—the Ralph thing was a fluke. "Relax, relax. I was just kidding. I would never, either."

"Oh. Okay, good." She smiles at me and I return it, trying to read her expression. It's all innocence and embarrassment.

"I think this might turn out okay. Your mom and sister are pretty cool," I say generously.

She nods. "And your dad is great. I can't wait to spend more time with Edwin and Marti."

We smile at each other again, and I think that for this one, brief, shining moment, we're something. But then the moment ends, and I think that we've just officially become stepsiblings.

~LWDLWDLWD~

I don't see her or speak to her again until the day of the wedding.

Her bangs have grown out and she no longer wears a retainer. Her dress shows off her legs and her makeup highlights her eyes.

She's _gorgeous_.

I'm in big, big trouble.


End file.
